When In Doubt, Be Who You Are

I’m writing this the Sunday before I head to Eroticon 2018. My to-do list for client work and blogging is nearly done. A trip I’ve been thinking about since my return flight after Eroticon 2017 is about to become a reality.

This time, my husband (that’s still fun to say/type!) John Brownstone will be with me. It won’t be my first international trip, my first time in London, or my first time living and working for a weekend as “Kayla Lords.” Those firsts are done. But there are still firsts to be had…

My first time presenting as “Kayla Lords” on a topic I suggested.

The first time sitting on a panel as “Kayla Lords” talking about my latest creative passion.

The Best Intentions

And in my head, for nearly a year, I just knew how it would all go.

I told myself I would spend a month creating the perfect, slick, gorgeous Powerpoint Presentation. (Hey, we all have our kinks and good presentations are mine). Then I’d spend a solid month just practicing what I wanted to say. Like it was a Ted Talk. (Like it was a Ted. Talk! WTF?!)

That’s in no way what happened.

Work got in the way. Instead of writing down my thoughts, I had long conversations with myself in the shower. So long the water usually ran cold.

There was no slick presentation or weeks of practice and memorization.

Ultimately, I wrote about much (if not all) of my topic in pieces and parts here on The Smutlancer. On accident and without trying.

I Have to Be Myself

With Eroticon approaching (and panic setting in), I finally realized why I’d been procrastinating so hard.

Slick presentations and carefully crafted speeches aren’t my jam. They’re amazing to watch, and I appreciate the amount of time it takes to execute them. But that’s not me.

I have conversations with people. I lean back and chat or wave my hands and rant. For sure, I pace around, roll my eyes, and even crack myself up.

Do I know what I’ll say during my presentation? Absolutely. Putting together my notes (to be published the Monday after Eroticon ends) took almost no time.

At first I worried I was missing something. And then I had another realization. My topic is one I live and breathe every day of my blogging life, and I’ve spent nearly a year on this website talking about it.

The only difference is that now I need to organize my thoughts. (Those shower conversations helped more than I realized.)

So on Saturday, March 17 at 11:05 a.m. I’m going to do what feels difficult but still right.

I’m going to have a conversation with people who want to know how to make money from their sex blog without selling out their soul or  audience. It won’t be slick and polished, and there’s a good chance I’ll rant. But it will be who I am. Hopefully the least awkward version of myself will show up.

Ultimately, that’s all any of us can do. Be who we are. Try to be our best versions, of course, but don’t be anyone you’re not. Don’t pretend to be a certain type of creator or blogger because that’s what you think you’re supposed to do. Reject the comparison game as much as possible. And when the opportunity comes to share what you know with others, be organized, be concise, but always be yourself.