Things to Write That are Not a Sex Toy Review

I often annoy sex toy companies by telling them that I won’t write sex toy reviews. Don’t get me wrong: reviews have their place, and it’s often handy for consumers who aren’t familiar with every bullet vibe on the market to find honest write-ups of new products on the market. But fundamentally, sex toy reviews have never been very engaging to my blog readers. When people come to my site they’re looking for sexy stories, fun rants, and other more personal content than simply ‘here’s a wank toy, I give it five stars’ so review posts are unlikely to feed those needs.

What’s more, sex toy reviews are extremely competitive. Good luck trying to rank in Google for the keyword “Doxy.” Not only are you competing against Doxy themselves, and all the companies that stock it, you’re also competing against an army of bloggers who have tried and loved this sex toy in the past.

So how do you make your sex toy review stand out from the crowd? Simple: don’t write a straight-up review. Here are a few alternative ways you can cover sex toys, without falling straight into review territory.

Tell a hot story about the sex toy

BDSM mask, crop, flogger and cuffs next to pink ben wa balls, wand massager, and small vibrator -- when used together would make a hot story about sex as part of a sex toy reviewWhen you’re writing a sexy story, you can use a whole new suite of keywords that people might be searching for, which gives your post an extra boost in search. Not to mention the fact that instead of just jumping down to the bottom to see how many stars you gave the product, readers can be drawn in by tales of your hot adventures – dwelling for longer on the page and therefore telling Google this is an article it should give a little more weight to.

So if you got a new dildo and used it to try out double penetration with your partner? Add those keywords, tell that story, and what’s more – make that story the headline. You’re no longer competing with others who have posts called “Review of the Hotgasm Bumlove Purple Dildo,” now you can tease your readers with a post called “Can I use the Hotgasm to achieve double penetration?” 

Remember that your average blog reader is only going to be actively looking to buy sex toys a maximum of twice a year, but they’ll probably be horny far more often. If you want to draw people in, why not focus on the horn and then include the toy links later on?

Tell a personal story about what the toy means to you

One of my favorite sex toy reviews ever is this piece by Girly Juice about the Fucking Sculptures Double Trouble. It chronicles a year in the life of the toy, and all the different ways she’s used it, loved it and hungered for it. The post itself is a masterpiece in emotive, sexy, personal writing and even though I am not in the market for a new toy, it made me hunger for the Double Trouble in exactly the same way she does. 

On my own blog, by far and away the most popular toy review was this post about the We Vibe Nova 2. It follows the format of a standard sex toy review but is woven in with personal snippets about my breakup and the sadness that flowed around the time I was trying this toy out. 

Again, the average reader of my blog is more likely to want to read a story than they are to be actively searching for sex toy purchasing advice. If the same is true of your own readers, give them what they want!

Do something unusual with the product

Blue anal beads and a black butt plug next to a toy moustache on a stick and toy red lips on a stick that looks like a role play situation which may be great for writing a sex toy reviewI still get a ton of traffic to a very old post I wrote about the Fleshlight Launch. I didn’t just review the Launch, I hacked it so I could secure it to a table. Turns out that “Fleshlight Launch hack” is a pretty useful keyword. Likewise “kinky DIY.” Taking a sex toy and doing something a little out of the ordinary can be a great way to stand out from the crowd, and bring in that all-important traffic. 

It doesn’t have to be a time-consuming project, it could instead be something fun. One of the most memorable product posts I’ve ever read was Sarah Brynn Holliday’s post about Lelo Hex condoms. To illustrate the important point about tears in the condoms, Sarah filled one with icing, popped a pin through it, and then used it to ice a cookie. Funny, informative, shareable, and they made the point incredibly well.  

Other ideas for sex toy reviews

The three above are just my favorite tactics, but there are lots of other ways to write a sex toy review that’s not a review. You might also want to consider:

  • Comparative posts. Take this brand new bullet vibe and compare it to three others you have in your collection.
  • Funny posts. Why not have a vibe race, and see which of your sex toys is powerful enough to buzz itself from one end of the table to another?
  • “How to” posts. Giving a run-down of different ways to use a particular toy, to give people inspiration that might also make them want to buy.
  • Disambiguation posts. Annoyed by companies talking about sex toys “for women”? Me too. Shout about it! You can hit keywords like “sex toys for women” or “sex toys for men” while challenging the assumptions about gender and genitals that got us here in the first place.

You could also check out this great post by Kayla on sex blog ideas – can you use these to give your toy post a bit more pizzaz?

Sex toy reviews aren’t for companies, they’re for readers

You could be forgiven for thinking that the purpose of a sex toy review is to placate the company that has asked you for it in the first place. Maybe they’re paying your invoice when the review goes up, or you’re getting paid in affiliate money but you’re keen to get a post up soon. Even if you’re doing it for the cash, the way you’re going to build a great blog and keep readers coming back is if you remember that the reader should always come first. 

So before you sit down to churn out a sex toy review, consider first what you’re giving to your readers. Search for ‘[name of toy] review’ and see what else has been written already. If what you’re writing is exactly the same, it’s worth considering what new angle you can take to put your own unique spin on this product.

Girl on the Net

Girl on the Net (she/her) is a sex blogger and author who writes filth, feminism, and funny stuff over at GirlOnTheNet.com. She also makes audio porn – turning sexy stories into audio recordings to help make erotica more accessible (and also just because so many of us love a dirty bedtime story). She has been blogging for 9 years, has written two books, and is very keen to help other bloggers turn their sexy hobby into a day job just like she did. Hit her up at her website or on Patreon (https://www.patreon.com/girlonthenet) for more filth and fuckery.

3 Responses

  1. Quinn Rhodes says:

    Reading this is super affirming and makes me think that I should get my shit together to finish and post the sex toy reviews-with-a-twist that I’ve been thinking about for literal months. Thank you for reminding me that sex toy reviews are for readers first and foremost, and readers are more likely to want to read a hot story or a personal essay about irritated arseholes and period poop than a straight up review.

  2. Lisa Stone says:

    I would not read competitor reviews before writing my review. Why? – you ask. Yes, in order not to affect my opinion and my vision. If I start to write, then let it be only my thoughts and no one else. Originality is worth a lot.

  3. Mary Wood says:

    This is probably why sex toy manufacturers are turning to writers and sex bloggers, hoping to get a non-trivial work, but with an emphasis on their products. Otherwise, they would be satisfied with the banal operating instructions for the device.

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